Since I’ve been commissioned for baby merchandise (“I would recommend good quality cotton which you probably want for easy washing—babies are dirty mother fuckers”) and—as luck would have it—simultaneously playing host to 200+ kids a day (sometimes twice a day) in my little theatre, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share a few of my observations. May this knowledge serve you well. Mainly, it’s fodder for people to pass judgement on my maternal instincts.
I always speak to children like they’re deaf or foreign: slow and loud. That says more about me than the children. Let’s move on.
Saying “little” does not make anything sound cute. As in, “where are your parents, little girl?”, or “would you like a sticker, little boy?”.
Parent’s attitudes are directly proportional to the child’s. A three year old in Uggs is a douche, you do the math.
When in large numbers, kids have to be herded like cattle.
Some of the daddies can be really hot. This makes me question something Freudian. I don’t know psychology very well, but I’m pretty sure it makes me dirty.
If a child shouldn’t put their finger into something, they probably will. Ambulances usually have to be called shortly thereafter.
Some parents tend to forget they had a life pre-kids. Other parents forget they had children.
When present in a room full of children, I like to picture them as a group of drunken little old men. They have about the same speech and mobility issues.
Children + Audience Participation = Awesome Sauce.
eg: “Can you guess what’s in the package, kids?”